eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

gosh i just watched this movie last night. it's awesome!!!! one of the few movies that made me laugh and cry at the same time... how odd it is to want to erase all the memories of someone you used to love. personally i would nv want to do that, memories are what make us grow up and become more experienced. however in the movie, it had a positive meaning because thanks to the memory erasure, Joel and CLementine got back together, whereas they would have never done that if they had held old memories of their relationship's failure. is a fresh start like that better than coming back together, knowing how we have hurt the other party or knowing what he/she left us for?
it's amazing how ppl can hurt each other when they are in a relationship. they say things they don't mean, they keep other things quiet... the conflict that caused Joel and Clementine to break up such a beautiful relationship was resolved only within seconds when they met each other again, having been erased. On listening to their own fight in the past on the tape, Joel straight away said he didn't mean that and Clementine said she is not like what Joel accused her to be (which she refused to say last time). and so the misunderstanding was cleared. simple as that.

the movie made me think so much... i wish there were more movies like this to beautify your life and imagination. ppl who like movies like Amelie or A Very Long Engagement should definitely watch this movie. another thing i like about this movie is that it didn't tell its story in chronological manner, the ending started the movie and the movie ended with how it started... which is such a metaphor of relationships. the end of a relationship is the start of another (in this case, the same one)... "the end is the beginning is the end"... anyone remember that song?

rejections...

even though i face it more than often, the bitter taste of rejection always gets me down each time like never before. it seems to be reminding me yet again that i am not good enough for this competition. whatever competition it is. living and studying here always feels like a big competition... most of the time i try to convince myself that i'm doing well, that i'm gonna make it in the end. however, now i find myself in question all over again. questioning my ability, my identity, yet all the answers seem to be running away from me and i find myself only falling deeper and deeper into a dark pit of uncertainties. who am i really? i seem to be good at lying to myself than anything else. i lie to myself everyday. and it's times like these that the ugly and painful truth is uncovered, i am nothing but a lousy person. a lousy daughter, a lousy student...
what have i done to make my family proud? besides the little things that i achieve here and there, NOTHING. i thought being able to get out of home, making it here on my own would get me to the top of the world. how wrong i was. it's only a big test that pushes me even further from being who i really am. i feel cheated. i feel played. by my own foolishness.
if only i knew earlier where i was getting myself into. i was getting myself into a world of tasteless society, where everyone is labelled and judged by his performance, where creativity is being killed slowly. i can't stand feeling guilty for not being good at something i dun even have to be good at. and the things i'm good at, well they aren't of much value over here. but then again. what AM i good at? languages? right... who appreciates it anyway. i think my creativity has died out a lot... all thanks to being too occupied with racing against the "machines". and yet i failed miserably. if only i held on to what i had...
now time is ticking out and i'm nowhere near i thought i would be.
if this whole life is a game then i'm definitely not playing it right.

i'm running high upon a deep depression...

it's been a few days, and to my surprise, i have not been able to be happy for a single moment. there's nothing majorly wrong with my life. but after a week of being sick, seeing the amount of work, stress, laundry, mess etc piling up, it just really sickened me and i felt so unwilling to get on with my life. suddenly i felt like i'm not capable to deal with all this anymore. and last night, after a conversation with my friend/boss, i was convinced that i wasn't good at anything, that i would fail in whatever i do. this morning only confirmed it even more, i missed a tutorial because i couldn't find the class room. that was the last straw. i came back thinking i was the biggest loser and lost all confidence in myself. not even Gabe could cheer me up. i cried, even though i knew i had a meeting just an hour after that... finally i got myself together and went for lunch with Heshan and Neeti, after that i headed to the my meeting, even though i was 40 min late. ironically, it was the meeting that finally cheered me up. i was giving suggestions and ppl were following. wait a minute... maybe i'm not that big of a loser... after that i started allocating work among them, everybody seemed ok. and i started to think that we can do it, that the project is not mission impossible and even a person like me will be able to make it through. i'm responsible for building the site for a cruise company... i'm only in charge of the graphic designs and user interface... i hope it'll be ok...
during my depression, i tried very hard in finding happiness in other ppl like friends or bf, but i realized if u are not happy with yourself from within, there's nothing that can make u happy. so i hope today, after i have cleared my emotional mess, i'll be happy again and also able to make others happy as well. of course, if not for the comfort of having Gabe and my dear friends, i would have felt worse. Maria thinks it's one of my mood swings because i'm having my period. haha if that's the case, then i have pretty drastic hormones changes this time...
i was reading this online article on how to be happy with your relationship and knowing whether you are with your perfect guy... this is what i found:

"What if, in searching for that perfect man, we leave behind a perfectly good man? For each of us only time will tell. In the meantime perhaps what Julian Baggini says may help: 'If you can trust your partner and be yourself with them, virtually everything else can be worked on'. Quarter-life crisis or not, that you love each other is what matters most. "

a week deprived of healthiness

sigh... for the past week, i've been sick and it didn't get slightly better till today... it started with a seemingly harmless sore throat, then i realized my gland is quite pain and swollen... the next thing i know i was already having a fever. the visit to UHS only made it worse. there were sooooo many ppl queueing to see a doctor that i spent 2hrs plus there just to see the doc for like 5 min. and all the doc gave me was panadol and lozenges. piss me off...
all that happened from wednesday onwards till today.
i went to gabe's place for the weekend. it was such nice weather the whole weekend!!!! it's so nice to wake up late, eat, then stroll in the neighborhood, just looking at the clear blue sky and feel the warmth of the sun on ur skin... gabe's parents are really sweet. makes me miss my own parents a lot. there's nothing like home, whoever that's still staying with his/her parents, please cherish your family, your shelter because before u know it, u already have to move out on your own and visit ur parents twice a year, or if lucky, more often. today gabe also brought me to his old house, where he spent the years of his childhood and teens. it's really nice, and odd, how you can just stroll back into your past like that. for me it's impossible to do that. my past is scattered all over the place since i have nv stayed anywhere for longer than 4 years. i think looking at your old neighborhood is a great way to reflect on your life, on your future. cos it shows you how far u have come and how much you've grown. i wish i could do that for myself...
back in my small tiny room again, gonna sleep soon to see doctor early in the morning tmr so that i don't have to queue. nite folks!

love is...

a unique sense of comfort and acceptance and the feeling that someone else's happiness is as important to you as your own...


oh gosh this is oh so true... on top of all this, love's about being able to just give and give without even thinking of getting anything in return. if you still worry bout what u would get out of the relationship, then ur just ain't really in love yet. being in love also means you love just everything about the person, even if some of them are irritating flaws u thought u would hate in a guy/girl...

hmm anyone has better suggestions on definition of love?
haha..i'm hyping up the atmosphere for Vday... though vday is so overly appreciated that it's just too fake.

the sun is still shining! yay!

hehe... oops, i dun wanna create the impression that i only blog when gabe is away. so yeah, here we go. new updates:
wednesday night, the first ladies night of the semester, and also the first ladies night when there are so many of us ppl in hall going together! it was really fun. we first had a "warming-up" session in siti's room. then we headed down to Zouk. it was quite cool to be dancing w my good friends again, esp Neeti, Heshan and Billy. haven't gone clubbing w them for ages! i was so smashed out after that though... the funny thing is that i was so tired and dehydrated that i could only sleep for like 2 or 3 hrs that night.... and ended up sleeping on and off the whole day of the following day. i went to bed at 1am last night (considered damn early for my standards) and woke up only at 10am today!!! wow... and today i still took naps during the day. and now i'm actually sleepy again.. anyway the cycle goes on haha...
yesterday me, neeti, hesh, billy, kek, moritz, vincent, ram all went to munchie monkeys for beer and dinner. there was free flow of beer!!! awesome ain't it?? it was fun chatting and joking around again. kek was pretty drunk after the first can of beer already. hahaha... so cute!
after that i had some bbq at block 3...hehe Alan was nice enough to sneak some satays for me. yay. then gabe called and asked me whether i wanted to go devil's bar w him and his friends. so we went. gosh devil's bar was nothing like i remembered! it was filled with ahbengs and ahlians. desperate jerks and bitches. now i know where all the desperate older working class ppl go to... i think from now on i'll stick to zouk, double o and other young happening clubs haha...
i'm gonna go gabe's place for the weekend.... and yeah. the weather has been great. really gets me into the moodz!! can't wait to go china town soon to check ou the CNY atmosphere!

yay the sun is shining again!

it's such a beautiful day! finally i didn't have to wake up to a grey sky or rainy, cold weather. in fact, i was woken up by the most familiar knock on my door... yaps, Gabe came back early in the morning and came by my room. i was soooooooooooooo happy to see him again. it was wonderful... it's amazing what 1 week of seperation does to u, distance definitely makes the heart grow fonder. however, i still prefer him not to be away hehehe...
another wonderful thing happened today! after lunching with Gabe, i went to deposit money (yap finally got paid for my first magazine project! yay!), and to my pleasant surprise, the bursary money had already been deposited into my account. YAY!!! finally not broke anymore... i can think of getting a new phone by CNY. and i also plan to put aside some money for my Europe trip, if my sister is ready for it.
another good but funny thign happened... at the beginning of last sem, i posted an ad about my Film Art book online. but nobody wanted it. and i also didn't bother to take off the ad. guess what, yesterday someone messaged me and he's meeting me today to buy the book from me! *gasp* i dun even remember the price i wanted to sell it at!! but anyways, some extra cash is always good. i'm also selling another book soon. yay can buy new textbook w that money already. *happy seal*
and that's not all, Moritz came back yesterday and brought back presents and cake for me (the special german xmas cake!!! yay!!! haven't had them for years!!!)... finally can speak german again, although it felt weird speaking again after 1 month. guess i need to practise more again.