eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

gosh i just watched this movie last night. it's awesome!!!! one of the few movies that made me laugh and cry at the same time... how odd it is to want to erase all the memories of someone you used to love. personally i would nv want to do that, memories are what make us grow up and become more experienced. however in the movie, it had a positive meaning because thanks to the memory erasure, Joel and CLementine got back together, whereas they would have never done that if they had held old memories of their relationship's failure. is a fresh start like that better than coming back together, knowing how we have hurt the other party or knowing what he/she left us for?
it's amazing how ppl can hurt each other when they are in a relationship. they say things they don't mean, they keep other things quiet... the conflict that caused Joel and Clementine to break up such a beautiful relationship was resolved only within seconds when they met each other again, having been erased. On listening to their own fight in the past on the tape, Joel straight away said he didn't mean that and Clementine said she is not like what Joel accused her to be (which she refused to say last time). and so the misunderstanding was cleared. simple as that.

the movie made me think so much... i wish there were more movies like this to beautify your life and imagination. ppl who like movies like Amelie or A Very Long Engagement should definitely watch this movie. another thing i like about this movie is that it didn't tell its story in chronological manner, the ending started the movie and the movie ended with how it started... which is such a metaphor of relationships. the end of a relationship is the start of another (in this case, the same one)... "the end is the beginning is the end"... anyone remember that song?

rejections...

even though i face it more than often, the bitter taste of rejection always gets me down each time like never before. it seems to be reminding me yet again that i am not good enough for this competition. whatever competition it is. living and studying here always feels like a big competition... most of the time i try to convince myself that i'm doing well, that i'm gonna make it in the end. however, now i find myself in question all over again. questioning my ability, my identity, yet all the answers seem to be running away from me and i find myself only falling deeper and deeper into a dark pit of uncertainties. who am i really? i seem to be good at lying to myself than anything else. i lie to myself everyday. and it's times like these that the ugly and painful truth is uncovered, i am nothing but a lousy person. a lousy daughter, a lousy student...
what have i done to make my family proud? besides the little things that i achieve here and there, NOTHING. i thought being able to get out of home, making it here on my own would get me to the top of the world. how wrong i was. it's only a big test that pushes me even further from being who i really am. i feel cheated. i feel played. by my own foolishness.
if only i knew earlier where i was getting myself into. i was getting myself into a world of tasteless society, where everyone is labelled and judged by his performance, where creativity is being killed slowly. i can't stand feeling guilty for not being good at something i dun even have to be good at. and the things i'm good at, well they aren't of much value over here. but then again. what AM i good at? languages? right... who appreciates it anyway. i think my creativity has died out a lot... all thanks to being too occupied with racing against the "machines". and yet i failed miserably. if only i held on to what i had...
now time is ticking out and i'm nowhere near i thought i would be.
if this whole life is a game then i'm definitely not playing it right.